Maybe I spoke too soon in my praise for United's Wi-Fi service. I just wrote a three paragraph blog update about 30 minutes ago and I see now that it never posted. Oh well, it's not like I have anything better to do but write it all over again, right?
Anyway, Jim Beam over here is drooling a minor waterfall all over his nicely pressed powder blue JCPenny dress shirt. Now, this isn't particularly unusual for a flight except that he's still awake while he's doing it. I'm convinced he's reading this as I'm typing it but he's just so zoned out in lushville that it's really all just a blur to him. I managed to get his unwanted attention earlier playing a round of this rather addicting pinball app I have on the iPad. I love the game but it lasts way too long. I find myself deliberately losing after about 20 minutes just to make the damn thing end. I think the motion of the ball on the screen and the resulting scrolling all over the place made him a little dizzy. Poor Jim Beam.
I tried to resume a game of Words With Friends I'm playing with Quizmaster Polly earlier. I don't know if it's the Wi-Fi on the plane or what but it wouldn't let me connect. Sucks too because I'm about to kick her sorry ass by about 42 points unless my math is way off (which it just might be). Oh well, it can wait, I think the games been going on for about a week now anyway.
"Dinner" (a word I will use loosely until I have a decent one, thanks again United) consisted of something they described as a "Panini". Now, before you incorrectly assume that my white bread under-cultured ass has never consumed a "Panini", let me state that I indeed HAVE done such a thing. Let me explain further that this "Panini" was nothing close to the "Panini" that you and I may know and/or love, instead it was like someone had taken two hot sponges, robbed a Jack in the Box of their processed breakfast ham slices, and them went hog-fucking-wild with orange splooge. I *assume* that the splooge was supposed to be processedcheesefood™ but I cannot be entirely sure because it, like the stolen "ham" was devoid of any identifiable flavor. To top it all off, you Star Trek IV fans should enjoy the knowledge that United has successfully cracked the code for creating transparent aluminum – each "Panini" is wrapped in it. Either that or they're so greasy that they can actually melt foil.
I've vowed to stay alcohol-free for the duration of my trip. I'm now going to resort to smoking hard plastic/rubber shavings I've cut from the bottom of my boot in an effort to kill myself, rather than prolong the agony of sitting here any longer.
It sounds like they're having fun up in first class. I tried to bribe my way up there earlier but they wouldn't have me no matter how much of {reference removed}'s money I promised them. Way to go United! You have very honest crew members but your cook is a complete hack. Next time let's try doing the opposite ok?
