Robert F**king Wagner http://robertwagner.posterous.com Most recent posts at Robert F**king Wagner posterous.com Tue, 09 Nov 2010 03:25:49 -0800 Sam Adams has a hard on for gun control. http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/11/08/samsguns http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/11/08/samsguns In a move that's certain to irk everyone in the region with a sub-average IQ, some of the details of the spiffy new gun control ordinances being proposed by Mayor Sam Adams were published today. Frankly, after all of the bitching that ensued last August when the ideas were first presented, I was expecting something a bit stronger – or is it that I was hoping for something a bit stronger? Anything to piss off the perpetually wrong right I suppose. Instead, these three new proposed laws and two measures read like common sense to me:
  • A child safety law that would hold adults responsible if their gun gets into a child's hands. How this isn't already a law is completely beyond me. When I was growing up, my best friend (at age 16) managed to put a hole the size of a silver dollar through his foot because he was handling a gun while being supervised. It was an accident only in the sense that he was fucking around – he had literally grown up around guns but within 5 minutes of having one in his hands for the first time, boom, he buried a large chunk of foot flesh into the ground below him. Imagine him finding one of dad's guns at 5 years old and then going to show the neighbor kids.
  • A theft reporting law that would penalize gun owners who don't report the theft or loss of a firearm. They say roughly 1 in 5 crimes are committed with a lost or stolen firearm. How hard is it to call the police and file a goddamn report?
  • An exclusion zone measure that would designate shooting hot spots in the city, and allow the city to exclude gun offenders who are on probation or under juvenile authority from entering a public area or park within the hot spot locations, unless they live in the area, go to school, obtain social services or travel through it. And here's where it gets interesting. A lot of people are going to argue that this measure automatically discriminates against gun-toting felons – and so what if it does? What it doesn't affect is the responsible, licensed, Second Amendment loving bastards who have been daring us to pry their penises from their frigid deceased digits for the past few hundred years. What's the big worry? This is basically a measure to give cops the right to haul your ass into the pokey every time they catch you carrying a gun when you're not supposed to. Big deal. They should be anyway.
  • A special 7 p.m. curfew for juveniles who have been convicted of a gun offense, found to have possessed, purchased, used, transferred or transported a firearm unlawfully. Yeah, that's right kids, if you did something stupid with a gun at one point then they're going to treat you like a fucking toddler and you get to go to bed early.
  • Placing a mandatory minimum sentence of 30 days in jail for previous gun offenders found carrying a loaded gun in a public place, which includes a vehicle or on transit. Again, how come this isn't done already?
Is anyone but the most dysfunctional Limbaugh-loving moron really that offended by any of this? And if so, why? I'm a big fan of the second amendment, don't get me wrong, but I fail to see anything above that would cause me, as a gun-loving American, to shit my pants in protest. Perhaps it's only because I've made it this far without making a big name for myself in the wild and wacky world of gun violence but I'm an automatic supporter of anything that keeps guns out of the hands of kids, regardless of whether or not their parents think it's ok. That has nothing to do with the parents themselves of course. Go ahead, stockpile your doomsday arsenal for whatever Great Red Threat might be marching down I-5 someday, I really don't care – but your kids just aren't educated enough, mature enough, or responsible enough to handle guns anymore. It's been proven. You can show them how to use it and they still end up doing really stupid things and nearly killing people. So let's recap: Are you under the age of 18 and reading this? Maybe. Maybe not. Have you ever busted a cap in someone's skull, robbed a liquor store, or are having to hunt and kill your own food to survive rather than visit the delightfully well-lit New Seasons location on Hawthorne? Doubtful. Then why would any of this even apply to you and why would you waste the time and energy to get your panties in a big ol' bunch about it? Better still, wouldn't it be just a tiny bit more rewarding to teach your 5 year old how to read than teach them how to blow someone's head off? Hopefully your answer is yes. And if it is, then you have nothing to fear from the mayors proposals.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/725448/pdxsucksbaconfest.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4xgesv9gCoyl Robert Wagner robertwagner Robert Wagner
Thu, 04 Nov 2010 18:37:45 -0700 According to my recent study, 50% of parents have lost all touch with reality http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/11/04/according-to-my-recent-study-50-of-parents-have-lost-all-touch-with-reality http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/11/04/according-to-my-recent-study-50-of-parents-have-lost-all-touch-with-reality Please note that what follows is a completely unscientific study as I am not funded by quasi-worthless grants, public or private funds, etc. nor am I qualified in any way to make such grand claims to the contrary but, and let's face it, the headline got your attention and that's exactly what I intended. Children don't bother me anymore. I used to blame most of the ills of the world on children, even when I myself was a child, but as of late I'm finding more and more that i actually like the little buggers. I like kids. There, I said it. What I don't like? A fairly large percentage of modern parents. Now, it's time for the second and final disclaimer – I don't have children of my own and I can't relate to the struggles of the modern mom and dad, mom and mom, or dad and dad. I don't get off work and immediately deal with the demands of children, nor do I incur the costs associated with child-rearing either. I can't say that I prep three squares a day for anyone, not even myself. In short, I have no idea what it takes to raise a kid – and most of the time it seems like you don't either. Now, I'm not speaking to each and every parent out there, far from it, rather I'm speaking to this new crop of hippie nature-lovin' naturopathetic fucktards that figure if some dickwad that closely resembles Dr. Phil writes a book, the so-called advice contained therein should be considered law. Case in point: Children need discipline. That doesn't mean you have to beat them within inches of their lives, discard them in waste containers, or drown them in the nearest body of water. What it does mean is that sooner or later you're either going to earn the respect of your kids or they're going to make your friends. family, and random people on the street wish the most grievous bodily harm imaginable on you. On YOU, not your children. Don't assume that the other adults in the room just figure that kids are kids, or that we don't see it as a complete 110% reflection on YOU that they're allowed to run amok, break things, steal shit, and cuss in ways that'd give the Urban Dictionary a run for its money. We blame you. You aren't raising your child in new and innovative ways when you allow them to interrupt the lives of others, instead you are simply failing to be a parent – period. You aren't creating a new generation of competent young people when you approach parenting with the notion that you're too good to make the same mistakes your parents did. You aren't and you will. And therein lies most of the problem. Everyone today is so busy using their so-called lousy childhood as an excuse to be a wholly inept human being that it's carrying over into parenthood. So you were such a little shit when you were a kid that daddy took the belt to your ass once? Well, that's a bummer, but does it really mean that you're going to sit down and try to reason with a two year old? Really? Sure, I get that communication is a great and wonderful thing but that's not what you're doing. No, what you're doing is looking for a quick fix to a complex problem, and you're just arrogant enough to think that thousands upon thousands of years of parenting can be discarded outright simply because some hippie-dick psycho-babblist said so. It's easier for you that way because then you don't have to accept responsibility for anything and you can quickly get back to the rest of your miserable life rather than act like a fucking adult and give your kids the respect and attention they deserve. YOU (or most of you anyway) made the decision to have children. YOU are the ones that are responsible for teaching them right from wrong. YOU are the jackass that the rest of us are going to blame when your child acts unreasonable, disruptive, or otherwise rude. It's YOUR fault, not mine. It might "take a village" but if everyone in that village is as completely weak and clueless as half the parents I see out there in the world then even a whole village isn't going to produce one responsible human being. And then what good is your village? What? You can't do this yourself? People have been raising kids for centuries – what makes your situation so goddamn special? And the thing that kills me the most? It's the college-educated underemployed that seem to have the greatest difficulty with all of this. The same assholes that bought the books from the so-called parenting expert that reminds me of a halfwit Dr. Phil.

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Thu, 04 Nov 2010 12:45:27 -0700 Chris Dudley #fail http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/11/04/chris-dudley-fail http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/11/04/chris-dudley-fail Is it just me or does this photo of Chris Dudley's concession speech make it look like he's nothing more than a puppet being manipulated by a disappointed looking Cabbage Patch Kid?
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Credit where it's due, this photo originally appeared on Oregonlive.com and was taken shortly after Chris Dudley had both conceded the governor race and consumed an entire "Macho Burrito" plate at the El Ranchito restaurant in Lake Oswego. And speaking of Cabbage Patch Kids (and having absolutely nothing to do with Chris Dudley or his puppeteer)... Am I the only one that finds this kinda hot?
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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/725448/pdxsucksbaconfest.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4xgesv9gCoyl Robert Wagner robertwagner Robert Wagner
Sat, 30 Oct 2010 03:37:23 -0700 Wi-Fi at 520mph (pt.2) http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/10/29/wi-fi-at-520mph-pt-2 http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/10/29/wi-fi-at-520mph-pt-2 Maybe I spoke too soon in my praise for United's Wi-Fi service. I just wrote a three paragraph blog update about 30 minutes ago and I see now that it never posted. Oh well, it's not like I have anything better to do but write it all over again, right? Anyway, Jim Beam over here is drooling a minor waterfall all over his nicely pressed powder blue JCPenny dress shirt. Now, this isn't particularly unusual for a flight except that he's still awake while he's doing it. I'm convinced he's reading this as I'm typing it but he's just so zoned out in lushville that it's really all just a blur to him. I managed to get his unwanted attention earlier playing a round of this rather addicting pinball app I have on the iPad. I love the game but it lasts way too long. I find myself deliberately losing after about 20 minutes just to make the damn thing end. I think the motion of the ball on the screen and the resulting scrolling all over the place made him a little dizzy. Poor Jim Beam.
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I tried to resume a game of Words With Friends I'm playing with Quizmaster Polly earlier. I don't know if it's the Wi-Fi on the plane or what but it wouldn't let me connect. Sucks too because I'm about to kick her sorry ass by about 42 points unless my math is way off (which it just might be). Oh well, it can wait, I think the games been going on for about a week now anyway. "Dinner" (a word I will use loosely until I have a decent one, thanks again United) consisted of something they described as a "Panini". Now, before you incorrectly assume that my white bread under-cultured ass has never consumed a "Panini", let me state that I indeed HAVE done such a thing. Let me explain further that this "Panini" was nothing close to the "Panini" that you and I may know and/or love, instead it was like someone had taken two hot sponges, robbed a Jack in the Box of their processed breakfast ham slices, and them went hog-fucking-wild with orange splooge. I *assume* that the splooge was supposed to be processedcheesefood™ but I cannot be entirely sure because it, like the stolen "ham" was devoid of any identifiable flavor. To top it all off, you Star Trek IV fans should enjoy the knowledge that United has successfully cracked the code for creating transparent aluminum – each "Panini" is wrapped in it. Either that or they're so greasy that they can actually melt foil. I've vowed to stay alcohol-free for the duration of my trip. I'm now going to resort to smoking hard plastic/rubber shavings I've cut from the bottom of my boot in an effort to kill myself, rather than prolong the agony of sitting here any longer. It sounds like they're having fun up in first class. I tried to bribe my way up there earlier but they wouldn't have me no matter how much of {reference removed}'s money I promised them. Way to go United! You have very honest crew members but your cook is a complete hack. Next time let's try doing the opposite ok?

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Sat, 30 Oct 2010 01:19:58 -0700 Wi-Fi at 520mph (pt.1) http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/10/29/wi-fi-at-520mph-pt-1 http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/10/29/wi-fi-at-520mph-pt-1 Liveblogging my airplane trip to NYC, not so much because I figure you care but rather because I'm bored as shit... Claustrophobic as hell but according to clock we are 25 minutes ahead of schedule, according to web we are 45 minutes ahead of schedule. I want to trust the web. There is a man sitting next to me that smells of whiskey so bad that I want to puke. He doesn't smell like whiskey from a bottle though, more like whiskey licked out of a dead woman's mouth - that weird old stale smell that reminds me of grandma, had she drank whiskey instead of vodka. I would wish him death but I fear that he might actually smell worse if that happened.
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In front of me is a lady with a little boy with a very wide head, almost like a football. He is probably 8. He'll be a famous comedian someday - he has to be because he has a football head. He is extremely funny. Crude as hell but very funny. I am mad at them both because they have all kinds of leg room while me and Whiskey a Go Go have none. The girl to my right has the window. She's nice. I think she's only nice though because she thinks that it's me that stinks like an old rotting englishman though and not Capt. Jack here. And my laptop is too big for the fucking dumb little table so I have to use iPad and everyone wants to touch my iPad. Everyone can fuck off.

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Thu, 28 Oct 2010 18:14:19 -0700 Cheerleading Tryouts? Yes please! http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/10/28/cheerleading-tryouts-yes-please http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/10/28/cheerleading-tryouts-yes-please When: Wednesday Nov. 3rd, 2010 - 7pm to 10pm Where: Small Gym, Stott Center Who: PSU Students / Girls and Guys / Robert Wagner and Sabrina Miller

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