Robert F**king Wagner http://robertwagner.posterous.com Most recent posts at Robert F**king Wagner posterous.com Sat, 30 Oct 2010 03:37:23 -0700 Wi-Fi at 520mph (pt.2) http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/10/29/wi-fi-at-520mph-pt-2 http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/10/29/wi-fi-at-520mph-pt-2 Maybe I spoke too soon in my praise for United's Wi-Fi service. I just wrote a three paragraph blog update about 30 minutes ago and I see now that it never posted. Oh well, it's not like I have anything better to do but write it all over again, right? Anyway, Jim Beam over here is drooling a minor waterfall all over his nicely pressed powder blue JCPenny dress shirt. Now, this isn't particularly unusual for a flight except that he's still awake while he's doing it. I'm convinced he's reading this as I'm typing it but he's just so zoned out in lushville that it's really all just a blur to him. I managed to get his unwanted attention earlier playing a round of this rather addicting pinball app I have on the iPad. I love the game but it lasts way too long. I find myself deliberately losing after about 20 minutes just to make the damn thing end. I think the motion of the ball on the screen and the resulting scrolling all over the place made him a little dizzy. Poor Jim Beam.
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I tried to resume a game of Words With Friends I'm playing with Quizmaster Polly earlier. I don't know if it's the Wi-Fi on the plane or what but it wouldn't let me connect. Sucks too because I'm about to kick her sorry ass by about 42 points unless my math is way off (which it just might be). Oh well, it can wait, I think the games been going on for about a week now anyway. "Dinner" (a word I will use loosely until I have a decent one, thanks again United) consisted of something they described as a "Panini". Now, before you incorrectly assume that my white bread under-cultured ass has never consumed a "Panini", let me state that I indeed HAVE done such a thing. Let me explain further that this "Panini" was nothing close to the "Panini" that you and I may know and/or love, instead it was like someone had taken two hot sponges, robbed a Jack in the Box of their processed breakfast ham slices, and them went hog-fucking-wild with orange splooge. I *assume* that the splooge was supposed to be processedcheesefood™ but I cannot be entirely sure because it, like the stolen "ham" was devoid of any identifiable flavor. To top it all off, you Star Trek IV fans should enjoy the knowledge that United has successfully cracked the code for creating transparent aluminum – each "Panini" is wrapped in it. Either that or they're so greasy that they can actually melt foil. I've vowed to stay alcohol-free for the duration of my trip. I'm now going to resort to smoking hard plastic/rubber shavings I've cut from the bottom of my boot in an effort to kill myself, rather than prolong the agony of sitting here any longer. It sounds like they're having fun up in first class. I tried to bribe my way up there earlier but they wouldn't have me no matter how much of {reference removed}'s money I promised them. Way to go United! You have very honest crew members but your cook is a complete hack. Next time let's try doing the opposite ok?

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Sat, 30 Oct 2010 01:19:58 -0700 Wi-Fi at 520mph (pt.1) http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/10/29/wi-fi-at-520mph-pt-1 http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/10/29/wi-fi-at-520mph-pt-1 Liveblogging my airplane trip to NYC, not so much because I figure you care but rather because I'm bored as shit... Claustrophobic as hell but according to clock we are 25 minutes ahead of schedule, according to web we are 45 minutes ahead of schedule. I want to trust the web. There is a man sitting next to me that smells of whiskey so bad that I want to puke. He doesn't smell like whiskey from a bottle though, more like whiskey licked out of a dead woman's mouth - that weird old stale smell that reminds me of grandma, had she drank whiskey instead of vodka. I would wish him death but I fear that he might actually smell worse if that happened.
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In front of me is a lady with a little boy with a very wide head, almost like a football. He is probably 8. He'll be a famous comedian someday - he has to be because he has a football head. He is extremely funny. Crude as hell but very funny. I am mad at them both because they have all kinds of leg room while me and Whiskey a Go Go have none. The girl to my right has the window. She's nice. I think she's only nice though because she thinks that it's me that stinks like an old rotting englishman though and not Capt. Jack here. And my laptop is too big for the fucking dumb little table so I have to use iPad and everyone wants to touch my iPad. Everyone can fuck off.

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Sat, 04 Sep 2010 09:52:00 -0700 Trains aren't conducive to my antisocial behavior http://robertwagner.posterous.com/trains-arent-conducive-to-my-antisocial-behav http://robertwagner.posterous.com/trains-arent-conducive-to-my-antisocial-behav

"Wow! Is that an iPad?"

Yeah.

"Can I try it?"

No.

And why would you even ask? So, random stranger, you and I are both on a train bound for Seattle but only one of us is prepared to pass the time. I cant help it if you aren't bright enough to think ahead and bring something, anything, with you to occupy that feeble little brain of yours. First you have the audacity to harass me while I'm listening to my iPod. "Now, is that an iPhone?" you asked. No. It's my anti-dipshit-on-a-train device. Here's the rules: earbuds in? Yes? Leave me alone. Next, you noticed that I was watching a movie on my "iPhone" (it's NOT a fucking iPhone!) and decided to interrupt me again, actually touching me no less, and asking "which Bourne Identity movie is that?" ... I took my earbuds out and replied "The Bourne Indifferrence", even though I'm watching Green Zone. The joke is lost on you though because you reply "oh, that's a new one". Then, you notice that I'm writing something on my iPad and figure this is your ticket to try it for yourself, but it's not just any iPad dude, it's MY iPad and I didn't bring it along so that you could be entertained. I don't care that you've "been thinking about buying one", and I'm laughing my ass off on the inside because while you're sitting there next to me, asking me stupid questions and basically just being an annoying dickhole, I'm actually writing about you. The fact that I still have to endure your presence for another two hours though? That's not sitting so well with me.

So, if anyone out there is reading this and there's a news story tonight about a man found dead on a train from Portland to Seattle with an iPad crammed up his ass, you'll know who did it. It was me.

And it was MY iPad.

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