Robert F**king Wagner http://robertwagner.posterous.com Most recent posts at Robert F**king Wagner posterous.com Tue, 09 Nov 2010 03:25:49 -0800 Sam Adams has a hard on for gun control. http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/11/08/samsguns http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/11/08/samsguns In a move that's certain to irk everyone in the region with a sub-average IQ, some of the details of the spiffy new gun control ordinances being proposed by Mayor Sam Adams were published today. Frankly, after all of the bitching that ensued last August when the ideas were first presented, I was expecting something a bit stronger – or is it that I was hoping for something a bit stronger? Anything to piss off the perpetually wrong right I suppose. Instead, these three new proposed laws and two measures read like common sense to me:
  • A child safety law that would hold adults responsible if their gun gets into a child's hands. How this isn't already a law is completely beyond me. When I was growing up, my best friend (at age 16) managed to put a hole the size of a silver dollar through his foot because he was handling a gun while being supervised. It was an accident only in the sense that he was fucking around – he had literally grown up around guns but within 5 minutes of having one in his hands for the first time, boom, he buried a large chunk of foot flesh into the ground below him. Imagine him finding one of dad's guns at 5 years old and then going to show the neighbor kids.
  • A theft reporting law that would penalize gun owners who don't report the theft or loss of a firearm. They say roughly 1 in 5 crimes are committed with a lost or stolen firearm. How hard is it to call the police and file a goddamn report?
  • An exclusion zone measure that would designate shooting hot spots in the city, and allow the city to exclude gun offenders who are on probation or under juvenile authority from entering a public area or park within the hot spot locations, unless they live in the area, go to school, obtain social services or travel through it. And here's where it gets interesting. A lot of people are going to argue that this measure automatically discriminates against gun-toting felons – and so what if it does? What it doesn't affect is the responsible, licensed, Second Amendment loving bastards who have been daring us to pry their penises from their frigid deceased digits for the past few hundred years. What's the big worry? This is basically a measure to give cops the right to haul your ass into the pokey every time they catch you carrying a gun when you're not supposed to. Big deal. They should be anyway.
  • A special 7 p.m. curfew for juveniles who have been convicted of a gun offense, found to have possessed, purchased, used, transferred or transported a firearm unlawfully. Yeah, that's right kids, if you did something stupid with a gun at one point then they're going to treat you like a fucking toddler and you get to go to bed early.
  • Placing a mandatory minimum sentence of 30 days in jail for previous gun offenders found carrying a loaded gun in a public place, which includes a vehicle or on transit. Again, how come this isn't done already?
Is anyone but the most dysfunctional Limbaugh-loving moron really that offended by any of this? And if so, why? I'm a big fan of the second amendment, don't get me wrong, but I fail to see anything above that would cause me, as a gun-loving American, to shit my pants in protest. Perhaps it's only because I've made it this far without making a big name for myself in the wild and wacky world of gun violence but I'm an automatic supporter of anything that keeps guns out of the hands of kids, regardless of whether or not their parents think it's ok. That has nothing to do with the parents themselves of course. Go ahead, stockpile your doomsday arsenal for whatever Great Red Threat might be marching down I-5 someday, I really don't care – but your kids just aren't educated enough, mature enough, or responsible enough to handle guns anymore. It's been proven. You can show them how to use it and they still end up doing really stupid things and nearly killing people. So let's recap: Are you under the age of 18 and reading this? Maybe. Maybe not. Have you ever busted a cap in someone's skull, robbed a liquor store, or are having to hunt and kill your own food to survive rather than visit the delightfully well-lit New Seasons location on Hawthorne? Doubtful. Then why would any of this even apply to you and why would you waste the time and energy to get your panties in a big ol' bunch about it? Better still, wouldn't it be just a tiny bit more rewarding to teach your 5 year old how to read than teach them how to blow someone's head off? Hopefully your answer is yes. And if it is, then you have nothing to fear from the mayors proposals.

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Thu, 04 Nov 2010 12:45:27 -0700 Chris Dudley #fail http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/11/04/chris-dudley-fail http://robertwagner.posterous.com/2010/11/04/chris-dudley-fail Is it just me or does this photo of Chris Dudley's concession speech make it look like he's nothing more than a puppet being manipulated by a disappointed looking Cabbage Patch Kid?
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Credit where it's due, this photo originally appeared on Oregonlive.com and was taken shortly after Chris Dudley had both conceded the governor race and consumed an entire "Macho Burrito" plate at the El Ranchito restaurant in Lake Oswego. And speaking of Cabbage Patch Kids (and having absolutely nothing to do with Chris Dudley or his puppeteer)... Am I the only one that finds this kinda hot?
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