"Wow! Is that an iPad?"
Yeah.
"Can I try it?"
No.
And why would you even ask? So, random stranger, you and I are both on a train bound for Seattle but only one of us is prepared to pass the time. I cant help it if you aren't bright enough to think ahead and bring something, anything, with you to occupy that feeble little brain of yours. First you have the audacity to harass me while I'm listening to my iPod. "Now, is that an iPhone?" you asked. No. It's my anti-dipshit-on-a-train device. Here's the rules: earbuds in? Yes? Leave me alone. Next, you noticed that I was watching a movie on my "iPhone" (it's NOT a fucking iPhone!) and decided to interrupt me again, actually touching me no less, and asking "which Bourne Identity movie is that?" ... I took my earbuds out and replied "The Bourne Indifferrence", even though I'm watching Green Zone. The joke is lost on you though because you reply "oh, that's a new one". Then, you notice that I'm writing something on my iPad and figure this is your ticket to try it for yourself, but it's not just any iPad dude, it's MY iPad and I didn't bring it along so that you could be entertained. I don't care that you've "been thinking about buying one", and I'm laughing my ass off on the inside because while you're sitting there next to me, asking me stupid questions and basically just being an annoying dickhole, I'm actually writing about you. The fact that I still have to endure your presence for another two hours though? That's not sitting so well with me.
So, if anyone out there is reading this and there's a news story tonight about a man found dead on a train from Portland to Seattle with an iPad crammed up his ass, you'll know who did it. It was me.
And it was MY iPad.