Robert F**king Wagner

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      30 Oct 2010

      Wi-Fi at 520mph (pt.2)

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      Maybe I spoke too soon in my praise for United's Wi-Fi service. I just wrote a three paragraph blog update about 30 minutes ago and I see now that it never posted. Oh well, it's not like I have anything better to do but write it all over again, right? Anyway, Jim Beam over here is drooling a minor waterfall all over his nicely pressed powder blue JCPenny dress shirt. Now, this isn't particularly unusual for a flight except that he's still awake while he's doing it. I'm convinced he's reading this as I'm typing it but he's just so zoned out in lushville that it's really all just a blur to him. I managed to get his unwanted attention earlier playing a round of this rather addicting pinball app I have on the iPad. I love the game but it lasts way too long. I find myself deliberately losing after about 20 minutes just to make the damn thing end. I think the motion of the ball on the screen and the resulting scrolling all over the place made him a little dizzy. Poor Jim Beam.

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      30 Oct 2010

      Wi-Fi at 520mph (pt.1)

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      Liveblogging my airplane trip to NYC, not so much because I figure you care but rather because I'm bored as shit... Claustrophobic as hell but according to clock we are 25 minutes ahead of schedule, according to web we are 45 minutes ahead of schedule. I want to trust the web. There is a man sitting next to me that smells of whiskey so bad that I want to puke. He doesn't smell like whiskey from a bottle though, more like whiskey licked out of a dead woman's mouth - that weird old stale smell that reminds me of grandma, had she drank whiskey instead of vodka. I would wish him death but I fear that he might actually smell worse if that happened.

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      4 Sep 2010

      Trains aren't conducive to my antisocial behavior

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      "Wow! Is that an iPad?"

      Yeah.

      "Can I try it?"

      No.

      And why would you even ask? So, random stranger, you and I are both on a train bound for Seattle but only one of us is prepared to pass the time. I cant help it if you aren't bright enough to think ahead and bring something, anything, with you to occupy that feeble little brain of yours. First you have the audacity to harass me while I'm listening to my iPod. "Now, is that an iPhone?" you asked. No. It's my anti-dipshit-on-a-train device. Here's the rules: earbuds in? Yes? Leave me alone. Next, you noticed that I was watching a movie on my "iPhone" (it's NOT a fucking iPhone!) and decided to interrupt me again, actually touching me no less, and asking "which Bourne Identity movie is that?" ... I took my earbuds out and replied "The Bourne Indifferrence", even though I'm watching Green Zone. The joke is lost on you though because you reply "oh, that's a new one". Then, you notice that I'm writing something on my iPad and figure this is your ticket to try it for yourself, but it's not just any iPad dude, it's MY iPad and I didn't bring it along so that you could be entertained. I don't care that you've "been thinking about buying one", and I'm laughing my ass off on the inside because while you're sitting there next to me, asking me stupid questions and basically just being an annoying dickhole, I'm actually writing about you. The fact that I still have to endure your presence for another two hours though? That's not sitting so well with me.

      So, if anyone out there is reading this and there's a news story tonight about a man found dead on a train from Portland to Seattle with an iPad crammed up his ass, you'll know who did it. It was me.

      And it was MY iPad.

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  • Robert F**king Wagner

    Who I am and where I'm from is completely unimportant, much like the content and babble you're likely to read about herein.

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